An unintended journey into the mist….

Please follow my unintended journey  as I review my past year as middle aged women pulled back into the seduction of an eating disorder.  Follow me as I faded away into the mist and emerge back out into the light of the sun and the Son, Jesus Christ!

1 Corinthians 10:13 No Temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide away out so that you can endure it. ( NIV )

The problem began when I forgot His promise.  I turned from the father and his faithfulness and took my life into my own hands.  I chose to travel back into the disorder he rescued me from over 20 years ago.  I know, it is a crazy as the Israelites, choosing to wander back into the dessert instead of enter into the promise land, but that is just what I did.  All be it, not intentionally.  Allow me to explain.

An eating disorder was apparently not just a phase of life for me.  It was something that at times I managed, and at other times it has managed me.  It began this time as an innocent flirtation.  I am older and wiser.  I am in control.  It is something belonging just to me.  It is like a secret I am keeping to my self, yet it is breaking a confidence to my self at the same time.  So, honoring myself by keeping this secret  becomes the ultimate betray of my body and soul.  I feel clever and deceitful at the same time.  It is a dark abyss plagued with contradictions.  I won’t let it go too far this time.  Just far enough.  The problem is I didn’t pay attention to that warning in my soul telling me to step away from the edge.  My, how absurd of me to not realize that the eating disorder has a strength of its own.  It sits like a predator in the shadows waiting to pounce on me just as the very thing I thought I was turning to for power, weakens my strength.  So, I gave it the opportunity, and it has taken on a life of it’s own.  It has made me sick.  It has made me tired.  It has left me void and vacant.  Yet, I can’t let it take my life.  I must take my life back.

Vacant:  Without occupant or incumbent.  That about sums it up for me.  Somewhere along the way my mind, my soul my being checked out.  It left a feeling of vacancy in my body.  I have left a little bit at a time allowing a hollow space where I had dwelled and existed.  Since I have left, why tend to the body where the soul had dwelled?  Why should I throw wood on a fire that has already burned it’s self out?  I look in the mirror and I see me, but I look through me.  I am like a special effect in a movie.  I am no longer solid.  I am a vapor that can  be seen, but not touched or held.  I am a wilting flower that has been left to water it’s self from the dust under a dessert sky.  A sky that is unable or willing to yield the rain that I so desperately crave. I desperately need.

I am in a field where thin and “fit” are admired.  My self-denial and self-discipline are applauded and even envied.  This feeds my eating disorder while I can’t feed myself.  So I am left feeling like a fraud.  Health and fitness.!  If only they all knew the truth.  I am not strong.  I am weak and have been subdued by the standards of this industry.  The distorted idea that thin equates heath and fitness has a place to flourish. However, it is a quite dysfunctional and dishonest place.

I feel the soul.  My soul beginning to stir.  It desires to return home.  I see just a flicker of her in my eyes.  I need to tend to that home.  I need to make it welcoming, strong and secure.  A place of warmth and refuge.  It should be beautifully prepared as my home or cottage would be for guests.  Can I tend to that dwelling place in time for my soul to return home?  I know that Jesus has gone ahead and prepared a place for me, but I am not quite ready to go home to the place he has prepared for me.

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