Once again I ask that you will hang in there with me as my story unfolds. Often I find myself looking back in review. It is my way of not only sharing with you what it is like to live with this affliction, but also for me to see where I have been and where it is I want to go.
As I have said all along, this is a spiritual journey for me. One that The Lord and I are walking together. Psalm 34:8 ” Taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man who take refuge in him” I find it ironic how often God uses references to food and partaking in it to teach us his love and guide us.
So today “TASTE” There is something in this for me. In my fear of food, taking too much in, and keeping it in, I have forgotten that food can taste and feel phenomenal. It was meant for us to enjoy. Just as his word was meant for us to feast on and savor as it nourishes our soul. Now as I fight to eat and stay alive, I realize that I am just going through the motions. I am just taking it in as a means of survival. I just kind of put it in and hope that it is enough to nourish my body. I am not savoring the food. I have forgotten, or fear tasting it. I am not permitted to experience pleasure, only pain. So, I don’t pay attention to the texture, the flavor, the richness, the sweet, the salty, even the spice. For now I am only aware of how hard it is to take it in. Am I allowed to enjoy this simple experience once again? DO I even remember what I like?
I walk through the market, which at sometimes feels like torture, trying to find something “safe” that I can eat, but that Kurt will enjoy. Then I hear a whisper from my within me. Liz “what would you enjoy if you weren’t afraid?” I know almost immediately what I want. I want a cheese burger. A real burger with sharp cheddar cheese, ketchup and mayo. I talk back to my self, but not audibly.( I am not quite that crazy). ” No way! I can’t do that. Not today as I didn’t even workout. Come on Liz just give it a try. Maybe it will be ok? You won’t know until you try it.”
So what seems so simple for most. I have a burger. This is no easy task. I want to just get it in, but then somewhere after the first bite I begin to not just eat it, but experience it. I notice, the flavors. The meat is tender, sweet, and rich. The melted cheese coats the burger with a sharp and salty dimension. The ketchup and Mayo (light), finish off. And I put aside the pain of getting it in and allow myself to just enjoy each bite. Bread and all. Today I manage to take it in and enjoy it. Tomorrow I may panic and wonder what I was thinking, but tonight I am ok. I am proud of doing, for me, what seemed impossible on so many levels.
Isn’t that what we all do at times with our relationship with the Lord? We go through the motions of quiet time, reading The Word, and praying. We forget to “Taste” and savor our time with Him. We need to enjoy each word like a bite of a burger, then sit back and lick the remaining goodness off our fingers. Full, but still looking forward to the next meal.